How To Sing the Blues - A Primer for Beginners
~ Original attributed to Memphis Earline Gray with the help of Uncle Plunky, emendations by Martha Beth Lewis
Most Blues begin with "Woke up this mornin'." It is usually bad to start the Blues with "I got a good woman" unless you stick something mean in the next line. Example: "I got a good woman with the meanest dog in town." Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something else that rhymes. Sort of. Example: "Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town...oh, yeah!..Got me a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and he weigh 'bout 500 pound."
Blues cars are Chevys, Cadillacs, and broke down trucks circa 1957. Other acceptable Blues transportation are a Greyhound bus or a "southbound train." Note: A BMW, Lexus, Mercedes, mini-van, or sport utility vehicle is NOT a Blues Car."Walkin'" plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does "fixin' to die" and "findin' a good woman."
Teenagers can't sing the Blues. Only adults sing the Blues. Adulthood, when it comes to the Blues, means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. You can have the Blues in New York City or Los Angeles but not in New Haven or Phoenix (Sorry, Rhythm room/Bob Corritore... just part of the story). Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a minor depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues (Att: Buddy Guy and Trampled Under Foot). Abilene, Mobile and New Orleans are ok in a pinch. (Ouch, Bryan Lee! just part of the story!)
The following colors do NOT belong in the Blues: antique violet, champagne, mauve, taupe and peach. Blues is not a matter of color. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues; Sonny Liston, the boxer, can.
You cannot have the Blues in an office building or a shopping mall. The lighting is all wrong. Other bad places for the Blues: Kmart, gallery openings and supermarkets. Good places for the Blues: jail, your mama's back porch, along the highway, bottom of a rot-gut whiskey glass or a solitary room in a fleabag hotel/motel.
No one will believe it is the Blues if you wear a suit (hmm, I liked that look at the IBC in Memphis) or anything by Ralph Lauren.
Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if: your first name is a southern state. Example: Georgia or if you are blind, you shot a man in Memphis. No, if: you are deaf, anyone in your family drives a Lotus, you have a trust fund. Yanni, Julio Iglesias and Barbara Streisand may not sing the Blues. Ever.
If you ask for water and your baby gives you gasoline, it is the Blues. Other Blues beverages are: malt liquor, Irish whiskey, muddy water, Thunderbird wine or one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer....at the same time. Blues beverages are not: a Mai-Tai, a Chardonnay, a Yoo Hoo (all flavors).
If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it is a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is also a Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse or being denied treatment in an ER. (Definitely not rated PG13)
Some Blues names for women: Sadie, Louise, Bessie and Baby. Some Blues Names for men: Joe, Willie, Joe Willie, Hank and Po' Boy. Men's names which are NOT Blues names: Geoffry, Damon, Keith (sorry, Damon Fowler...again, just part of a story). Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will NOT be permitted to sing the Blues, no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
Need a Blues Name? Try this mix and match starter kit: The name of a physical infirmity (blind, asthmatic, etc.) or a character flaw (dishonest, Low Down, etc.); substitute the name of a fruit (Lemon, Fig, Persimmon); or use first and fruit names; finish with the last name of a President (Johnson, Jefferson, Fillmore, etc.)
Need a Blues instrument ? Play one or more of the following and alternate with husky voice riffs: harp, gih-tar, fiddle, sax, pic-anner (in need of tuning).
Now you are ready to sing the Blues!...Unless you own a computer. (This came across my desk awhile ago. Every time I take it out, I get a good laugh. It is a story from days gone by...I hope that you found the humor in it and how they put the blues in their songs!)
~ Jonnye Weber
